Motherhood Uncovered

When you’re young all the older people tell you, “Don’t wish your childhood away, it’ll be gone before you know it.” It’s a time where our existence is someone else’s responsibility and we dream of what our future holds. As time passes, I really do understand those old folks, and then one day I started saying it. I am trying my best to slow down and enjoy what’s in front of me. My youngest’s favorite game recently is hide and seek. He will ask until you tell him yes. But that is what I need, a reminder to stop what I am doing and just play with my babies. It is hard to believe I haven’t held a baby in my arms in years and everyday grows further from that time. I miss all the little baby giggles and holding them on my hip wherever I go. But I enjoy watching them grow and blossom into creative, charismatic, and curious kids. They seek knowledge and adventure and it brings me back to a child like feel in the moments with them. Having a child allows you to relax and be comfortable being silly and showing them what it’s like to be your weird self. My family was always very reserved and calm, my husband’s was the opposite of that, with that being said I am thankful he brought excitement into my life. I enjoy my quiet time but pure joy is produced whenever you bring out the kid within yourself, with your own kids. We have dance parties and play in the rain. The spontaneous moments make the best memories.

And then you think back even further to your own childhood. If you have siblings, you know that they the most important part of that time. The way you grew up can only be perceived by the ones who went through it with you. You have a bond that no one else understands. I have a sister and a brother. Unfortunately, this fall will be 10 years my family has lived without my brother. He was 23 when he left this world, my sister 20 and I, 21, at the time. We were all so young. Before that, I used to live everyday with a smile on my face. And then our lives changed. We now had to navigate an existence where our brother didn’t belong. How could we move forward when part of us is gone? It has been a long journey of processing anger, sadness, bitterness, all the emotions that come with losing a loved one so young and so close to you. I don’t believe that you ever do stop grieving, it just becomes a part of you that you learn how to manage. Now, our memories are bittersweet through missing him and wishing we could go back in time. I have two boys who would have loved him so much. They do love him through the memories I talk to them about and that is very special. But I dream of what could have been and what they would have done together during that boy bonding time. Maybe he would have had a family of his own. I don’t know why he left us so early but what I do know is he believed Jesus was his savior and one day I will see him again in Heaven.

The topic of a bittersweet life came to mind as I am planning and preparing for the coming year. There will be many things including marriages and special events for loved ones and for even our own family. I am excited to share the special moments as they pass. Until next time. <3